Afrofeminizta

Arriving

2008-12-01T01:52:00.002+03:00

So you run scared
Feel stuck
Jumbled
Fearful
Second guess yourself
Walk through various doomsday scenarios

Then you arrive
And you find that you possibly couldn't imagine things
That, sometimes the way to get over being scared,
Is to put one foot in front of the other and to get moving
To banish the negative,
navigate around the negative
and just keep moving
And hoping

Eventually things turn out OK
Because we have his grace

Scared

2008-10-24T22:33:00.002+03:00

How does one feel so blessed
Yet so scared?
How do you move?
When you want to curl up and hibernate?

How do you smile at good wishes?
When all you wish to do is run a mile?

How do you say those three words?
I am scared?

Yet you can also feel some strength
Some feeling that it will be alright
How do you say you are scared?
When you also see this as the opening that it is?

Is it OK if I'm scared but also glad for a fresher start?
When i feel energized to do great things?
Is it ungrateful?

I'm scared
I'm honest about that
Forgive me,
Take not away this blessing from me
I promise to not let the fear rule me.

Lightness

2008-06-03T19:48:00.002+03:00

amazing how when things seem so low
the sun rises
warms your heart
and lights up the darkness
banishing it for now

Today I salute the light
I'm ready for the next challenge
Because it is like the sun has shone in the darkest corners

I have found my old self
and it never needed much work

I will not ask why it took so long
I'll just enjoy the light
This lightness in my step
I cannot be encumbered with the old
Rather I choose today to embrace this new weightlessness

Goodbyes

2008-05-19T19:46:00.003+03:00

Goodbye
My friend, my heartmate
Heart clings to the warmth,
Mind knows better
Body craves that touch, that look
Mind cannot disconnect
So my almost heartmate, it is goodbye
Bye to angst, to temporariness,
Bye to warmth, touch, breath, smile,
Bye to it all

Au revoir to secrets
Goodbye

- - - Mrs Jones

Sisterhood is greater than tribe

2008-01-14T14:40:00.000+03:00

Coming back to work there are tons of 'post-election crises' meetings to attend. At each one there's a different take on what the way forward is. To their credit, the people at these meetings represent diverse constituencies of Kenyan men and women, so I suppose one could argue they represnt the wishes of their constituents.

At one such meeting of women's organizations, I was saddened but not very surprised by the underlying tensions and unspoken angst about the tribal issues which lie at the heart of the violence in Kenya at present. I refuse to accept that the killings and destruction going on are not fuelled by long standing tribal suspicions and animosities. Even when the media says 'a certain community' is camped out somewhere at this or that police station, they can't cover up what we all know as Kenyans, this ongoing strife has strong tribal undertones.

So at this meeting, although an agreed upon position was arrived at, it still did not identify what role women could play in long term dialogue about the tribal divisions and suspicions which have reared up post-27th Dec.
Instead we all chose to cover it up and hastily depart back to our own corners to inevitably continue stewing in our tribally charged thoughts.
I thought to myself, how can we as women say with one voice that we condemn the violence, while at the same time choose not disucss the causes that have led us to this point. Women have been largely victims in this violence, but there are images of them also looting and I have heard accounts of how some of them have encouraged their menfolk to commit violence against another tribe. One woman told me how her neighbour spends the time taunting those who are not of her tribe. This woman told me that she has seen women taking and looting property from their neighbours' houses after they were chased away. The same woman spends the night wailing loudly at every sound, because she thinks young men from another tribe are coming to retaliate against her and her tribe! In the morning she's back to her taunting game.

How can women work with others to craft a new look Kenya in the coming months and years, where tribe is not the basis of discrimination and violence? Not all women are going to be peacemakers during this period and the women's movement must recognize and address this. It's not enough to call for peace, when in our own hearts, sisterhood is not our reigning agenda. When sisterhood is just a work thing to be set aside once we get into our private space.

Sisterhood has to drive the agenda of women's groups that seek to contribute to the final peace, justice and reconciliation agenda for Kenya. The post-election scenario is a truth seeking time for the Kenyan women's movement. This period will be a make or break time. The Movement has previously been openly divided on rural/urban; tribal and resource lines, this is the time to lay those ghosts to rest and chart a way forward that's truly alternative and different. It is not time to parrot back the patriarchal,tribal and political lines being put out by political leaders and others. To arrive at a point where the Movement's goal of equal rights for women; to articulate an agenda for women's empowerment that goes beyond the mainstream rhetoric of revolution and change, the Movement has to peel back the layers of past schisms and candidly discuss them in a way that moves their discourse forward. It will not help to silence the voices that wish to do so, by labelling them tribalists or machines of this or that political party, without giving them an opportunity to say their piece.

The Movement now more than ever is in need of uniting voices; personalities that respected and respectful; women who are not afraid to call a tribal spade a tribal spade.

Otherwise we risk just sweeping all these negative feelings under the rug. Then what happens to the women constituents we represent.

There is no hierarchy of pain and loss in this crises. The woman who lost a child is in the same pain as the woman who gave birth to a child in an IDP camp! I am utterly bewildered, actually angered by women who seek to paint the situation of their constituents as hierarchically more important than that of another! There is no hierarchy here ladies! It's about rising above this hierarchical thinking and speaking out against injustices being meted out on women. Our affiliations to the cause of the women's movement should be greater than that towards our tribe or political party.

Until we can really get to that point, our discussions will continue to yield little more than band aids to a larger, festering wound.

So I say to those saying there can be no peace without justice and reconcilation, that for women there can be no peace until we embrace sisterhood. Then, our solutions will be aimed at alleviating the pain of all women and by extension their communities rather than women from our own tribes or class or race.

Amani

2007-12-30T21:31:00.000+03:00

So we have a winner, but it's a win that for any peace loving Kenyan, is tainted with suspicion. I do not think that those who voted for the winner, expected anything but an outright and fair win. This is definetely not what they had in mind. A quickly cobbled together swearing in; violence; fires all over the country and rage against the winner.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Maybe the winner will celebrate the New Year, but for many of his supporters and non-supporters, 31st Dec 2007 will be spent cowering indoors...hoping that the supplies we have last us until calm returns and supermarkets reopen with stocked shelves.

I'm sitting at home alone, wishing I stayed at my folks place. I can't go back for fear of what awaits me on the road there. So it's Nairobi for now and many prayers. The problems of 2007 do not compare with the uncertainty that faces us in 2008.

I pray for peace and calm to prevail. For common sense. For someone to be the bigger person and do the right thing.

We love Kenya as much as the next politician, please let peace prevail! We too are Kenyans and have nowhere else but this country to call home.

God bless Kenya and Kenyans who love this country!

Non-negotiable

2007-09-03T14:40:00.000+03:00

Integrity (n): truth, honesty, reliability

In any relationship - work, love, family or friendship there are always non-negotiable things. Those things that you do not compromise on and are such a part of who you are. Recent events in my life have brought the issue of non-negotiables into sharp focus. It has also left me deeply uncomfortable being around this particular person as I sense that their analysis of this matter is very different from mine.

I know we always say give people a second chance. I fear however just by this person’s attitude to the particular dodgy thing he did, that there is no second chance that would make it easier to handle.

Second chances are difficult when trying to cultivate an intimate and authentic relationship with someone, especially when you have to consider giving them so early in the whole thing. Second chances are for when there has been some trust developed so that you can excuse subsequent lapses of judgement, as just that, lapses. But I have no such reference point. I do not know if this is how this person does things. Or whether it was just a lapse, a slip. All I know is that integrity is non-negotiable in my book.

Sadly this is a case of another one bites the dust. Back to the drawing board I suppose.

A state of grace

2007-08-29T13:34:00.000+03:00

Grace: kindness, kindliness (n); favour, honor, distinguish (v)

We all exist in a state of grace, bestowed by a higher power. For the cynics amongst us, our inability to see this state of things, becomes a way of life.

For the part time cynics; fallen by the wayside (for a bit) optimists, things going on around us at one time or another can make us not see the grace that has been given to us. We whine and whinge, then we get a wake up call. When we can choose to sit up and acknowledge the great many blessings in our lives or we ensconce ourselves even further in the dark, depths of despair.

For many of us, the ability to recover from the wayside of doom and gloom is faster depending on how often we exercise our 'see the state of grace' muscles and motor neurons. For others we wallow in despair and gloom long enough that it takes an inordinate amount of prodding; kicking and shoving for us to get up and acknowledge the grace in our lives. In this state of wallowing in doom and gloom, it sometimes calls for huge events to be thrust upon us inorder to recognize that grace does exist in our life.

In my last post i was really well into the doom and gloom mode about my work. I felt all was just dark. And yes, the conditions are still the same but today i see the state of grace in my work. That even as i despair, there are women and communities out there that rejoice at being lent a helping hand as they seek to treat each other with dignity. They are glad to partner with us. They value our insights and welcome us in their midst. They are glad to have us on their journey.
That's my state of grace.

I didn't write about it, but i have also been wallowing in doom and gloom about relationships. I met a man who is younger than me and we've been seeing each other for about a month now. We recently defined our relationship as dating. As soon as we did that, i was beset by such self doubt about the suitability and viability of this relationship. Then self-chastisement for being so gloomy about something that should bring such joy. This morning i woke up with such doubt about it, that i was plotting how to end it all.
Then i got to work and got a text from this person, telling me, 'Have a nice day!'
The state of grace here is that, there is someone who cares enough to know that i've been a bit down and is hoping today things turn around for me. That's it, no need to over analyze all the other aspects of this relationship until it is time to. For now it is to go with the flow.

I encountered somebody this morning at a meeting i was in, my prayer is that she will find her state of grace to focus on, as she works out how to cope with the current health challenges facing her.

What's your state of grace today at work, home, life, beliefs?

Post inspired by: http://www.themobiusstrip.wordpress.com/

The lay of the land

2007-08-27T14:47:00.000+03:00

So i haven't posted here for ages. Not because i didn't want to. But sometimes it felt hard to put stuff that was going on, as it was so personal.

You know how some things are thrust on you, even though you weren't really looking for them? Well, this job was thrust upon me. And i think i've done quite well on it, turning some things around and doing the best for those we work with.

But, try as i can, it is also taking away the passion i had for women's empowerment. It has become more about managing the politics of this organization; condescending, rude co workers; a boss who it feels is not willing to stick his neck out and just lay down the law on some behaviour; feeling that although we say gender equality is core to the organization- our leaders' actions and interests do not show show that; and the lack of a team spirit/common goal in our sector which makes us look disorganized (in my opinion one of the biggest reasons why GE work doesn't go far in many organizations).

So what have i been doing about it. Fighting when i can. Stepping back when necessary. Ignoring some of these issues. Keeping focused on the big picture.

But it's hard and somehow in all this, I don't feel sure that i'm making a difference. Truth be told, i'm bored stiff with this job. It is boring! It is too restricted. I need to feel the excitement there was when new work was starting; new partnerships were starting up. I just can't summon that, within this environment. It's like everything has lost its shine. When i try out something new, sometimes just getting approvals and movement on it takes so long, it just loses its shine.

I need a new job. I need to get back to the basics. I need a new job! I can't be around this place any longer because it does not feel like i can do things that will really contribute to empowerment of women to the extent i would like to.

The nice thing however is that all this is enabling me to build in my mind' the kind of job i want. So that's the positive side to it all. I know that come January 2008 i'll be in a new job.

I don't feel that there'll be regret at leaving this place. You know how sometimes it turns out that what you had was good and you discover this when you have left it...this will not be the case.

As an aside:
One of my pet peeves, the over use of the term grassroot or grassroots! In my opinion, everything and everywhere is the grassroots. If you live in Nairobi, what makes you think you are not grassroot? What makes you think that you have to be in Muranga or Bondo or Garissa to be grassroot? Grassroot is location which is not defined by its urbanness or ruralness.

We are so hung up on grassroot this and the other, that we are discriminating against some groups. During this whole debate on affirmative action as a means of increasing the presence of women in our political space, the misuse of the term grassroot was just so vexing almost as much as the crude displays of misogynyistic statements by some of the male members of parliament.

The whole debate of whether the seats would go to urban women or 'real grassroots' women. Kwani women who live in Kilimani, Kawangware, Athi River etc. are not grassroot? Are there degrees of grassrootness? For instance is a woman from Kitui less grassroot than a woman from Kilimani area in Nairobi when we consider the question of political representation, because they have Nyiva Mwendwa a Kitui woman, representing them in parliament while the Kilimani ones don't?

Are there indeed degrees of grassrootness and who defines the degrees?
Is it the people themselves or outsiders?

Donors are always doing it, defining for Non-Governmental bodies what is grassroot.

There's a green bug in all of us

2007-07-08T18:48:00.000+03:00

There's a green bug in all of us. Even those of us living in cities who see it as a cliched lifestyle choice.

Different shades of green. Green for jealousy; green fingers for when we tend our plants; green for when the earth's beauty actually hits a nerve in us and we realize that there are things we can do to comfortably inhabit the earth.

Here are pictures from a work retreat, which make me appreciate the fact that human beings are not the only inhabitants of this earth, despite the way we treat this ol earth. It's a wonder the animals haven't mounted a revolution against our selfish human selves! With all our littering etc.

At least they can't be blamed for damaging the environment, they are just doing what they've always done, in an environment made more difficult by us.

Kudos to Nakumatt too on their new eco friendly bags. Not sure if they're made from recycled bags, but i felt proud to see many of us purchasing them this weekend and not just holding out for the free one! It's easy to fold and keep in the car or large handbag for use when in Nakumatt or other store. I hear Tuskys Supermarkets are also planning to introduce the same bags.

Finally, we might just start getting our plastic menace under control! And perhaps put a stop to this whole thing of wrapping every purchased item in plastic! I mean even the smallest item gets wrapped few of us decline bags.

It's not a cliche, each of can do something for the environment in our own ways. So go out and purchase a bag(s) for your groceries.

Isn't this about governance?

2007-04-05T11:00:00.000+03:00

**************
Source: Reuters AlertNet April 3, 2007 - Nearly 140 Kenyans have been killed and 45,000 have beendriven from their homes by a rash of land clashes in the country's west, aleading women's group said on Tuesday. Six months of violence in the fertile Mount Elgon region near the Ugandanborder is a "silent genocide" of women and children, the Maendeleo YaWanawake consortium of women's groups with 2 million members said. Six more people were killed overnight within earshot of the top regionalgovernment officer's residence, underscoring a continuing pattern ofviolence sparked by competition for land and resources in Kenya's morefar-flung corners. The attacks have targeted men, women and children, but the women's groups said the women and children were especially at risk. "Women are being raped, children are maimed by bullets then forced to fleetheir homes. We must stop the death and the trauma before we can beginnegotiating land disputes," spokeswoman Rukia Subow told a Nairobi newsconference. "The violence is forcing thousands to go running for the caves. It is anembarrassment for peace-loving Kenya," she said. Land is an explosive issue in the east African nation. For decades, toppoliticians grabbed public land for political patronage, dividing it amongmembers of their tribe or giving it to other tribes to buy loyalty. To access the complete article, please visit http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L03671941.htm
*****************

Isn't the insecurity of thousands of women and children about governance? Isn't the rape of 1 woman; 2000 women; 1 child; an issue of governance? Or do you need atleast 45,000 or perhaps 100,000 more female survivors of sexual violence for us to speak out and force our Governemnt to do something?

Why do we try to separate gender issues in our responses to conflict and other development problems - why do we not address gender and women's rights in the 'serious, high-level' policy making spaces? Why isn't it addressed as we talk about military strategies; security responses of states?

Or is it too 'soft an issue'?

Or does it bring the reality of the 'policy' or 'legislative' issue we are discussing too much into sharp focus- are we not tough enough to deal with the sheer scale of the problem? Are we the problem?

I wonder how many women and girls who will survive the rapes in Mt Elgon will ever see justice? I wonder how many of the discussions to quell the conflict will ever make reference to the need for justice for survivors of rape?

How many will forever be left with the stigma of rape and most likely HIV infection.

WSF 2007 Event

2007-01-13T09:22:00.000+03:00

If in Nairobi for the World Social Forum and want to meet up with a bunch of high energy, young feminsits. Check out this event, the WE-PET group is an amazing group of three women who use participatory theatre to challenge cultural norms on gender based violence and the status of women in our communities. Their performances will have you responding and openly discussing issues you thought you had figured out. I've seen them move a crowd of young 13-17 year olds -who have been knocked around by life and are basically hardened to any sort of advice or discussions of the possiblity of a better world- into a vibrant discussion that made them sit up and think really hard about sexual violence.
They rock!

See you there!
The Young Women’s Village

The Young Women’s Leadership Institute in partnership with
Sisters Beyond Boundaries (SBB) and Women in Participatory Education Theatre (WE-PET) invite you to join us at the Young Women’s Village-

An Event organized as part of the World Social Forum

Venue: Club Soundd
Time: 4pm – 8 pm
Entrance: Free
Date: 24th January 2007

The Young Women’s Village will explore globalization and how it affects young women. The Village will use Participatory Education Theatre (PET), song, dance, poetry and open mics to educate young women and explore strategies for future engagement within feminist movements. This is aimed at contributing towards movement building. At the Young Women’s Village, women from different parts of the world will interact and dialogue on different social justice concerns and their role within the broader human rights and social justice movements.

****Club Soundd is in the City Centre, Kaunda Street, Hamilton building, across Wabera street, near Trattoria Restaurant and The Steers***

2006-12-28T23:49:00.000+03:00

So, Christmas was a riot...and i mean of people not the general chaos. Fifty plus relatives, mud, insane food requests and eating non-stop. But it was all good in retrospect.

On the job front, looks like i'll be here a while. Nairobi it is. That's OK...I think.

I'm currently running a b and b or atleast that's what my neighbours must think. I''m hosting some guy (friend of a friend) and an old friend. It';s hard sharing space with people especially for more than 2 days. But i'm hoping to reclaim my space soon, get back into the pre-Christmas Zen state when things i needed to do were clear and just chill out.

Meeting alot of friends who have changed. Some for the better and others...well...i'm not so sure. Some of their comments about relationships (seems alot of the Christmas/holiday conversations turn to relationship issues) are so downright sexist, i want to slap him! Stupid guy!
Basically for him he has to be head of the household...in this day and age even in Kenya,that's a bit obsolete. It's a notion designed by society to continue the supremacy of the male in any instituion. It's maddening. And 'he of all people should know better. But behind all that macho, bravo stuff, he seems to be running scared, that his buddies have left him behind in the marriage game. As i keep saying, patriarchy is the evil that in the long run, doesn't discriminate and leaves men and women worse off. but does anyone listen....
In the end the pressure to 'settle' down is hard on both men and women. Of course the effects are in varyinging degrees, but the sum is that, we are all losers in the patriarchal manouveres. Yet men continue to resist the idea that, marry in your own time and not out of some misguided idea of continuing your 'blood line''....

Thirty first is round the corner. Party, party, party.

Then a new year and new possibilities. Yes!

Christmas and all that razzmattaz

2006-12-22T22:14:00.000+03:00

Here’s wishing myself and all my fellow sistas a wonderful Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

I don’t know where I’ll be blogging from next year but it just might not be Nairobi. Perhaps the US. Let’s see. It’s a weird move for me who is so Afrocentric and jumped on the first plane back to Kenya after both my undergrad and grad school, but a fantastic offer is being discussed and so I might just be going to bushland…not sure how I feel about being in that particular political climate. But I definitely welcome the change.

So, I’ll still be online on and off and perhaps blogging from a rather red apple. I’ll probably do more, knowing very few people in the new place.

Merry Christmas. I’m off to prepare my feet for some real work in the village, with the family. Actually looking forward to all the predictable Christmas fare (despite what my expatriate family might think)…chapos (and the annual Christmas competition by my aunts on whose are the best chapati’s. . .the men rarely notice . . .they definitely don’t get into pissy moods about who roasts goat the best! I think they sometimes just want validation for the valuable contribution they make during this season…the time taken to cook 60 plus chapati’s and then you have some stupid male cousin or uncle just chowing down on said chapati’s without so much as a by the by thankyou. I’d be in a pissy mood. Actually I’ve found a well placed double gin and tonic in a coffee mug, makes the time in the kitchen just flyJ)J and nobody is the wiser! Definitely not my dad as he bosses us around the kitchen! Telling us we will chop our fingers off…hello! ), that carroty, pea beef stew, pilau (yum!) and kachumbari (for those not in the know, a kind of salsa –ish salad with chilli peppers). A visit to my grandfather. I think this Christmas I might get him a cell phone. A friend of mine received a call from his 72 year old grandfather today from his cellphone. Got me thinking. Why shouldn’t dear old grandpa enjoy one of those., Mind you, a simple Nokia. None of those Motorola flip top things! Lord knows he might just sell and buy a cow with the proceeds! bless him!

And I’m I drinking more than usual this season? Feels like! Every evening is another plot with some friend, visiting relative, visiting friend, long fallen out friend, yikes! Have to pace myself! There’s still 31st!!!!

So Merry Christmas to all and have a blessed New Year. AF

16 Days of Activism against Gender Violence

2006-12-02T12:59:00.000+03:00

The Campaign's back and runs from November 25th to December 10th 2006. And there's much on offer, to get you thinking once again about what each individual can do to end gender violence.
At a recent launch activity, it was encouraging to see faith based organizations getting on board. They especially in Kenya play a critical role in the lives of families and individuals. Despite our adoption of modernized ways, faith plays a huge part in our lives. These institutions hold a lot of sway. It was heartening to hear one faith based network call for faith leaders not to misuse faith texts in ways that actually encourage gender violence. Which is a major statement on their part, as we all know how priests, pastors, and other religious leaders tend to ask their followers to just hang in there, even at great risk ot their own personal safety.

The saddest story that i've heard since this campaign started, is of a woman whose estranged husband killed their only child. But the saddest part of this, was that she had no support from those that should ordinarily provide support - family, friends, relatives. Everyone would ask her to hang in there since the man was at least providing for their material needs. Eventually after one particularly bad incident, she walked out with her child and set out to create a new life, clearly less materially well off, but for once her child slept without nightmares. Until the day her estranged husband lured the child to his house and then proceeded to play a hide and seek game that tragically ended when he mutilated the son's body and called the lady with the news. To see this woman stand up and speak about it, is to see real pain and tragedy. Yet, as she told us, somehow with amazing strength and real hope she has come out of a deep dark hole of despair with immense support from a local organization. She has created a semblance of a new life and somehow is able to wake up everyday and put one step in front of her. The memories will clearly never be stained by that dark day when she lost her child, but she says the present is also calling for her to live. There wasn't a dry eye in that room.

A group of young single mothers mostly under 18 from informal settlements in Nairobi are trying to recreate their lives in ways that do not involve violence. Many have children from non-consensual sex and have dropped out of school. They have lost their childhood but are earnest in their efforts to actually create a different reality for their babies.

For an interesting take on fighting gender violence in society, see www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com for what Indian women are doing to confront what is known as eve-teasing. Harassment - verbal and non-verbal, physical and non-physical on the streets. A familiar situation in Nairobi and other towns in Kenya.

For more information on the 16 Days Campaign see www.cwgl.rutgers.edu/16days/home.html

For once, a journalist has called to heel fellow colleagues who promote ignorance and hate against particular groups in Kenya. Clay Muganda in Friday's Daily Nation has lambasted some radio presenters who on a recent show displayed such ignorance regarding the transmission of HIV/AIDS and basically encouraged callers to join in this shocking discriminatory situation. Callers said things like, they would not let sick relatives live with them, share utensils etc. and would send them to the village since they were dying. There was no single attempt to confront these attitudes. It might as well have been the 'let's bash HIV positive people' show!
This show is one of many that seem to be all over the airwaves, where presenters just spend hours blabbing ignorantly about the situations people find themselves in from gender violence to unwanted pregnancies. Sadly some of those doing these shows are women, who goad listeners into shocking statements on issues that are so serious and have major implications for the lives of women and men.

A different pace

2006-11-09T13:28:00.000+03:00

Recently i faced utter and total burnout and despair, after discovering that no matter what others might be doing, saying, thinking, working on etc., i have to set my own pace for how i want to actually improve the lives of women and my community. So i found myself going for a meeting with a small community group of younger women and men, enjoying it because of the sense of progress after each meeting, which somehow is lacking in my professional space.

But this sense of contentement with setting my own pace, turned into some frenetic soul searching after what had seemed the perfect career advancement in recent times, turned out to be little more than overseeing a foreclosure! Full of administrative matters and so little time to engage in actual thoughts of how our contributions are/can change the lives of the communities we work in. It was such a hollow feeling; no amount of good wishes about this advancement could make up for the feeling i got, that, i was been given something as it was sinking, ending, winding up etc.

So i got caught up in serious soul searching. . .maybe i should have pursued a different line in this work; perhaps then i could feel more engaged in the activism and actually welcome some light admin duty! Instead i'm stuck in what feels like heavy,duty, bureaucracy, dotting i's and t's and feeling like crap, because i'd so much rather be inputting into ongoing activism around critical issues for equality which is what got me this position in the first place.

On and on this soul searching went. Forcing me at times to just walk out of the office, lest i burst into tears of utter frustration.

Then yesterday, there was a breakthrough in the humdrum associated with the minutiae that is a bureaucrats life. I had a chance to put forward a sentence that combine admin minutiae and results for gender equality . . .all rolled into one. Today i managed to do the same thing and i feel relieved to know that, there are ways to keep everyone (including the resisters) focused on why we are trying to get the admin minutiae right. . .that it's not administrative matters for the sake of admin.

The soul searching has led me to this: there are many ways to contribute to the cause; there are equally as many ways to ensure that your feet are on solid feminist, equality ground while occupying a space that in many instances is filled with compromise and bureacuracy for the sake of bureacracy. For the first time in about a month, i appreciate where i'm located at present, to do this work. And have decided to make use of my position with a bit more respect and for where it can take this cause.

The lesson: it is so important to set a pace of ones own, otherwise risk slowing oneself when those around you slow down and trying to speed up when others do so and finally you are just one exhausted sista! Pacing myself is my new mantra.

hardly worth dissecting any more

2006-10-14T20:48:00.000+03:00

some information is best kept to oneself

some things are best digested alone

some thoughts are not worth voicing

sometimes i could shoot it

kill it

beat it

for it's enduring stupidity

some nights i think,
well, it's only this old life
tomorrow will be better,brighter, hopeful
but it keeps getting steadily worse

Argh!
a persistent complaint

a lack of follow throught
the F word
argh!

never ends, sleep till 3pm and hope it goes away
wake up and it's still there
will not let up.

I'm not in a good place right now
I wish it would all just still itself
and i would wake up to a new and fresh
untainted me. . .

instead, there's just this old me
battle scarred
and too worn out.

1st Carnival of African Women

2006-09-23T16:51:00.000+03:00

The first Carnival of African Women will be held on this site on Monday October 9th. The Carnival is open to everyone registered on the African Women’s Blog Agregator and is a selection of posts on articles of interest to African Women. To participate in the premier Carnival we are asking contributors to write a piece on Blogging and Identity and publish it on their blogs. Please feel free to interpret the topic as broadly as you wish - long, short, a poem, a piece of prose or photos. Once you have done that please register the post at the Carnival site or alternatively send an email to: info at blacklooks (dot) org with the URL of your post before the 6th of October. On 9th October we will publish a roundup of all submitted posts.
We hope that as many African women bloggers as possible will join in the Carnival. Even if you cannot write a piece please link to the site and join the webring. Thanks to everyone.

Face to face with the past

2006-09-03T19:41:00.000+03:00

Coming face to face with the past is interesting, distrubing, worrying, makes you realize you are ok as you are.

I met a man who once was a shoulder to cry on with no strings attached at a time of my life when things were so bad, it was hard to see whether i was going or coming. He offered me solace one night when it was so bad...i don't even know why i turned to him...i didn't know him for very long or that well. And for someone who everyone of the women who knew him said didn't know what he was all about, he sure did something for me. he was comfort.

Today though i saw that searching look in his face and then i knew...thank God he was only just a shoulder to cry on. His daughter is beautiful:) And i saw that thing the women who knew him spoke about...it wasn't a sad or happy look, he was just flat. Today that more than anything made me think that, not all the men who come into your life (or women for that matter) are meant to be there always. They serve their purpose in your life and move on. they are just not meant to be for you. And that i can live with.

after all these years of failed relationships and friendships i finally understood that. If i was to write a letter to my younger self, i would say, 'this too shall pass and it will all make sense as part of the rug which is being woven and that represents your life...so it's all good. Even the bad...it's all good. So forgive yourself for poor judgements with men, knowing that it's all part of a story and it will all work out. . .

As an aside; i hope my neighbour hasn't bought a dog...i can hear something similar to a puppy closed off in a small apartment, just whining....argh! this is so against the regulations....but hey whose checking....argh! double argh!

Gender roundup

2006-09-02T18:32:00.000+03:00

The UN -INSTRAW has set up an exciting new tool - the first time ever gender training Wiki visit http://www.un-instraw.org/wiki/training/index.php/Main_Page for more and add to it if you can. It's available in english, french and spanish hopefully with demand it can be made available in other regional languages.

The International Museum of Women (IMOW) has been extended to September 2007! The submissions are interesting because they make it possible to read about the perspectives of women not in one's part of the world. There are a couple of submissions by Kenyan and African sisters. Check it out and also the various requests for submissions. For all those men who wish to speak up on how they are supporters of the work for gender equality there is a chance to make submissions. . .specifically focused on your perspectives.

If you are in Nairobi, please make a point of attending the Nairobi +21 Forum in October. I believe the venue is still the KICC. Now their site's up and running so you can get more info there on the event as well as the Nairobi Forward Looking Strategies (NFLS). It is shaping up to be a great opportunity for honest, much needed dialogue among Kenyan women about the state of our Movement, what we have learnt; what we still need to do; discussions of age; class and ethnicity. Coming a little over a year before the 2007 elections in Kenya it is an excellent opportunity to heal in order to get ready for the bruising battle in 2007. It would have been even better to have similar Forums in throughout the region and worldwide. . .perhaps Heinrich Boll Foundation, UNIFEM and Ford Foundatin (main organizers) can do the same in countries they operate in.

Gender 101

2006-08-31T10:47:00.000+03:00

Ever wondered what all the talk about gender is? Why it gender activists are irritated when their work is considered to benefit 'only women' (not that there's anything wrong with that...)? This poem by Nancy R Smith which i remember coming across a couple of years back, aptly captures what 'all this talk on gender is about'! I particularly hope that men read this and understand that the struggle for gender equality is not just about the rights of women, but paves the way for other economic, social and cultural freedoms for young and old, male and female alike.

For those women working on gender equality issues, maybe you should keep a copy of this handy in the wallet/purse to just shut up those who start nattering on about how you want women to 'sit on men'...(which is not even a very comfortable position to be in...:(
------------------------------------------

For Every Woman
By Nancy R. Smith
For every woman who is tired of acting weak
when she knows she is strong,
There is a man who is tired of appearing strong
when he feels vulnerable.
For every woman who is tired of acting dumb,
There is a man who is burdened with the constant
expectation of “knowing everything.”
For every woman who is tired of being called
“an emotional female”
There is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.
For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children,
There is a man who is denied the full pleasure of parenthood.
For every woman who is denied meaningful employment
and equal pay,
There is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for
another human being.
For every woman who was not taught the intricacies
of an automobile,
There is a man who was not taught the satisfaction of cooking.
For every woman who takes a step toward her own liberation,
There is a man who finds that the way to freedom
has been made a little easier.
— courtesy of Development Alternatives with Women for a New Era (DAWN) www.dawnnet.org

Waiting or getting on with life?

2006-08-27T11:32:00.000+03:00

Wedding season is upon us once again in Nairobi. I attend a handful of weddings and fewer than half of those get a whole day and night dedicated to them . . .it's hard work to attend weddings. . . unless for those people very close to you. But even then you will have to sit through long services with preachers who drone on and on about wives submitting, husbands heading households...and once in a while some sermons actually clarify that heading households means living by example...etc. etc. Then you sit through a buffet lunch of the usual, pilau, chapati's and beef/pea stew...speeches to the women to be good wives and the boys to look after their families...presentation of gifts by both sides of the family etc. etc. go home, change into party wear and then on to the evening party where alcohol flows aplenty...next morning, huge hangover and general, random thoughts that weddings are to be avoided...until you get the next card . . .

as i attended the latest wedding i thought, there goes another one out of the singles club. And it also made me realize that now they would be able to be part of certain discussions; groupings by virtue of their having experienced marriage. they will gain a certain respect among the folks and even more strangely amongst their agemates. . .they will be treated differently. A respectful different.

Meanwhile for the singletons the message being sent is this is a waiting game - just wait it out. Waiting to hear our name called up to join the wedding roll and evenually the married club. . .And what are we waiting for. . . we are waiting for 'respect' because it sure doesn't come from any other 'achievement' . . .more education...pshaw! not the same; successful career/business...whatever! not the same!!! that's quite a loud message being sent out to singletons in this country.

We continue to wait for people to actually not look at us with that sad, smile when they ask you what's new and you talk about how you have time to go to the gym; go on holiday; buy shoes worth ridiculous amounts of money; take a job that requires you to travel all over all the time. . .etc. etc.

they give you that smile, that sad smile which says, ' . . .that's all well and good, but what is the point if you don't have anyone to share that with? . . .a person who makes all this worthwhile?. . .when will you start actually living?'

Essentially everyone's saying, all that stuff's OK but, life starts when you start sharing it with someone, when you start having joint dreams with a spouse or partner. . .and if that's not happening then you are simply not living. you are a sad, sad, woman or man.

And those are the thoughts that were/are running through my head . . .i felt like a child among adults yesterday. . . on a conscious level i know that there are several ways to live ones life. None is more superior than the other. All experiences are valid. So why do i feel on a subconscious level like my present experience is invalidated every time someone says they are getting married; having a baby or buying a house? Why do i feel on a subconscious level that this experience has lost just that little bit of its lustre? why do i feel on a subconscious level that, earning that 'respect' will restore the necessary, never have to polish it-stays forever lustre to my life?

How do you live and validate your experience all the while battling the subconscious feeling that there can only be one valid experience which the world values? I suppose the question is, 'how important is it to be valued by the world?' Or rather, is it more important to be valued by the world or to have self-acceptance and love which validates every experience as true, healthy and right for that particular time and moment?

I suppose by the time one joins the marrieds/paired-up club the 'respect prize' offered by society to they who win acceptance into the club, should be secondary. the goal should be to enter in union because it is an authentic, valid experience which makes you happy most of the time and this person is the one who you wish to share the rest of your experiences with for however long you are given on earth. . .

Rules of engagement for a Kenyan gal and Dad

2006-08-25T17:39:00.000+03:00

It seems every time we get together with my Dad it turns into a contest of some sort. His political views sometimes just seem so naive. He doesn't seem to see how deeply rooted the rot is in our society and especially for women and low-income men and women. It's like total denial. And it is becoming so wearying i just want to avoid getting into these debates.

today was no different, only that for once i had an ally among one of my relatives. She too feels that there is still so much more the Government needs to be facilitating and doing to create an enabling environment. Which i too believe. For some reason today he listened. Perhaps it's easier to listen to someone whose diapers you didn't change:)

But more and more our relationship seems fraught with a lot of irritation on both our parts. It's hard to say when this started. I do remember feeling this way coming straight from uni and thought we had negotiated some type of rules for engagement which were working fine. It's like we're regressing to that time. It's made harder because my siblings get out of alot of these interactions, and so can't really understand when i say that he can be quite dismissive. . .so i'm left with nobody to really run this by...until the next time when we have to meet. It's just so maddening...i mean he's my Dad, that will not change. I just wish he would take my opinion seriously and just also once in a while show interest in what i do and believe.

Perhaps this has roots in the fact that as our parents age they feel they are losing significance in our lives. So sometimes they retreat and disengage with who our adult selves now are. i also don't think it's that he doesn't support my core beliefs about women's equality and the role of men in achieving this...Lord knows he has been nothing but supportive of my education; my mum's role in the church etc. etc. But somehow on the practical, day to day engagement...this is not happening in our relationship. I don't feel his support alot of the times; his respect of my ideas; my opinions...and i also feel tired because he by rights gets my respect because he is my Dad! Society dictates this of children to their parents. So it's just not a fair engagement. . .nobody says at least in my family that you have to respect your children. . .and that is what makes our exchanges tiring.

I just wish it was different. The irony is that i am more responsible, think like him and my mum more than ever . . .shame that we can't get along better. I think we got on better when i did my own thing.

Couch blogging

2006-08-24T20:36:00.000+03:00

so now i can surf in the house...it's such a lovely feeling! a whole different mojo blogging wise. In terms of demands on my attention it's a toss up between TV and the laptop...the latter's wnning out. I've been wanting to get internet connection in the house but laziness to follow up, bloody Telkom ...it just never happened. then this month i found myself with an extra 16K and then I got on to the phone with Flashcom Wireless. . .who lived up to their name and set me up in less than 1 hour! As for Telkom, i hear they are still doing a survey to see if i qualify for a digital line....go figure!

I must admit though i expected the speeds to be way faster...have to find out why that is ..listen to me speak, me who did not even have an internet connection yesterday!

Anyway for now it will do...

The best part about a wireless home internet connection...
....is waking up on Saturday morning, in my jammies and sitting on my couch and just logging on to wherever.
. . .knowing that i am not eating into my employers time (although the way i feel right now about them...who cares...) surfing
. . .i can job hunt in peace without pesky, nosy colleagues going through my 'history' to see what jobs i have applied for!
. . .i can chit chat with friends on MSN and soon hopefully skype...(an aside: my sister tells me that there's this Kenyan dude who keeps wanting to be added to her list of skype contacts and she has never set eyes on him and is not interested in setting eyes on him....go figure!)
. . .i can keep up with my blogging and write when the spirit moves me
. . .it is another alternative form of entertainment
. . .i got a phone in the mix and VoIP to north america, UK and SA is like 15 shillings:)
. . .i can surf leisurely knowing that my boss is not lurking behind me, wondering why i have all these images of shoes and bags on my screen. . .

OK, my eyes hurt and Desperate Housewives is coming on in a few. . .

Call me a complainer. . .

2006-08-16T15:48:00.000+03:00

i'm sick of Government Ministers and officials deriding Kenyans for being complainers! Excuse me, could it be that we complain because the services we ask for aren't forthcoming? Yesterday or was it today it was Kivuitu, 'warning' Kenyans not to come running to him complaining because they have left their voter registration to the last minute! And get this, he insists that there is no way we will extend the registration period beyond the legal 1 month period. Whatever, instead of supporting efforts to change legislation to allow for open registers all year round, this ass tells us to stop complaining!

His tone just totally irritated me. Who is he to lecture the very people who pay his salary through our hard earned taxes? Why can't Kenyan Government officials just accept that they are 'servants' of the people and drop the freaking paternalistic attitude! I can just imagine Kivuitu wagging his fingers at the Kenyan citizen....it just is madness!

Serikali, please leave me be a complainer in peace and you get on with the business of ensuring that i have less to complain about tomorrow...

Pervy Bush!

2006-08-09T13:41:00.000+03:00

If George Bush, leader of the supposed free world can do this . . . i think we can all conclude that he has little respect for women in general! The fact that he does this in front of cameras shows that this man does not care about what his office is supposed to convey and represent!

For many women his gestures unfortunately are so common. We all have examples of male acquaintances, colleagues and even family members who will simply not keep their hands to themselves. You find their hands crawling up towards your breast or thigh or bum. . .it's so maddening! Often times they do it so quickly you might be mistaken that it was a 'slip' of the hand. It rarely is!

Shame on Bush and other pervs out there!

For any men who think that he was being friendly, try and think of it as someone (a relative acquaintance or colleague) brushing your groin area repeteadly as they say, 'there, there, don't be upset, i'm just trying to get you to see my point of view, Relax!!!' oh, and this is in say an office situation for example!

That's what it feels like when unwanted touches pepper ones life as a result of pervy males!

A miscellany of thoughts

2006-07-25T15:53:00.001+03:00

Hope rings eternal:

but when do you stop and just decide that it's time there was more than just hope and more signs that you're on the right path? sometimes it's like there are no road signs - yet it doesn't feel like i'm lost, but i also just don't know exactly where i am.

We are more similar than different:
yet we somehow forget this when we're beating the crap out of another human being or denigrating particular groups. When really it's just us 'against' the plants, insects or wild animals...well actually that didn't come out right....essentially if there were to be fights for resources would you be grouping with plants etc. or fellow humans? yet it's so easy to slap each other upside the head and hack each other to death....sad!

Just listen . . .
i feel that guys just don't listen to women much! it's like when we speak they almost tune out but turn to a woman with the same piece of info and they listen, are all ears. An argument with a man seems to turn into an issue of, 'you are wrong' and he is right! It's so infuriating and makes relationships way tooo difficult to navigate. It's made more difficult when these are new relationships you are negotiating. . .sometimes i wonder what's the point of it all?! will we really reach that point of intimacy and conversation where you actually listen?! Do you even realize that you do this and it keeps people out? Do you?

i also feel that guys can talk too much crap. in one case they were clearly giving wrong information, but not one told the other 'you are wrong'. Yet i've seen this same set of guys question me and other women in that particular circle on several occasions or receive our information with a vague dismissal. This is not limited to just them. . .i get it at work too when there's too much talk and when you ask for evidence of the results...all you get is silence.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride:
and there would be a world in which a woman's point of view is not seen with suspicion, derision, dismissal by all men and fellow women.

Job search for the aimless

2006-07-19T14:15:00.000+03:00

The search for a new job requires almost a whole separate strategy for handling the emotions it unleashes in you.

Take for instance when you find out which other people are in the running for a job you are also interested in. . .the thought no. 1 in my case, 'oh no, she's good...really good...what chance do i stand?' thought no. 2, 'ai? isn't this way out of her league?'(uncharitable but true) and finally, the 'forget that one, there's no way i'm getting in if so and so is applying' thought.

With the first i'm thinking, ok, so she's good but atleast there's a fighting chance.
With the second, i'm a bit insulted that she should think she's good enough for the same positions as i'm applying for. (Again mean spirited but true).
The last one. . .well let's just say it doesn't even beggar a response!

As the week progresses waiting to hear back i'm thinking what can i do to out do no. 1? As in i actually feel that there is something to be done - it's manageable.
With regards to no. 2 by this time i'm thinking, she might just have an ace up her sleeve for interview time so i better not underestimate her. After all how many times do you hear of people going from a junior-mid level to very senior position? It's not impossible, so better not get cocky.
No. 3 . . .is still a no go area. . .the situation is so up and down all over the place. Sometimes it psyches me up to really push for it. 'You can do it', 'yYou're just as good and better' other times i'm debillitated with fear and breaking out into a cold sweat. My thinking shifts to 'what 'if i actually can't do the job?' Hours spent reading and re-reading what the job entails and getting more and more scared. Should i even bother applying? Because the longer am reading the requirements and looking at my cover letter, the less i'm feeling confident about my abilities to do the job. Then what? Argh!
I soon talk myself out of this one and convince myself that surely i must have known the job was possible to do when i applied. Otherwise why else would i apply?

By the end of the week i'm hoping i'll have arrived once again at the comforting thought that there i cannot staunch my ambitions. They will always find a way to come out despite notions of living an aimless life. They'll come out in many ways for example by turning you towards applying for a job you dream about but consciously are in awe of and mentally feel at times you can't do. But the spirit of ambition thinks otherwise.

AOB (kinda related...they're all vacancies)
Five annoying things house agents do:
(1) they call and ask you to call them back, 'woiye, call me back sina airtime'....excuse me!?

(2) they smile and purr, 'ah, yes you want to live in Westlands, ah let me see...oh i had a beautiful, beautiful apartment there, right price etc. (smiles)...but it's gone! (manic grin)....(are you trying to torture me?)

(3) ah, yes there's another one, hmm let me see, oh, but it's available on Aug 15th....(eh, OK, didn't i tell you my lease is up on Jul 31st....?)

(4) i have one in Kilimani area...(smiles)...yes, yes indeed, it's near that road of Kileleshwa Police Station, near Kasuku Centre? Hello? Kilimani? Kileleshwa??!%$

(5) They promise to call and they don't. When you do, they ask you if you are 'that Jane of yesterday. . .?' (eh we only met less than 24 hours, surely is my face that forgettable?

Award for dumbest agent:
. . .the one who showed us a house and when we asked if they kept dogs he was categorical that there was not a dog in sight. As we drove in, we asked him what the bushy Alsatian panting by the car was and he remarked very nonchalantly, 'oh it must be the owner's dog...'!%$ (ah, so it is a dog...hmm)

My advice to anyone running these agencies. . .please buy your staff enough airtime to give a more professional service! Please!

Get Active: Commemorating St.Kizito

2006-07-14T11:30:00.000+03:00

CineArts Afrika together with the Young Women Leadership Institute will be holding a three day event from 13th to 15th July 2006 at the National Museums which brings together students from selected secondary schools, Universities, Teacher Training Colleges and media training schools to watch films and hold discussions on “Gender Violence”. The events are part of activities aimed at commemorating the St. Kizito tragedy where 19 girls died and others were left traumatised after a rape ordeal.

The event will involve use of film as a tool to educate and present a forum for finding solutions towards the recognition of women rights and ways of advocating for an end to gender violence in the society.

Morning screening will start at 9.00am and afternoon screening at 2.00pm

Friday 14th
HAWA (1 HOUR) followed by a discussion (starts at 2.30pm)

SILENCE IS BETRAYAL- 5 Min followed by a discussion (starts around 3.30pm)

OUT OF SILENCE (starts at 4.15pm)

Saturday 15th
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS- 80 Min followed by discussions (starts at 9am)

NO AGAINST WOMEN VIOLENCE”- 14 Min followed by discussion (starts at 11.30am)

“THE PRICE OF A DAUGHTER”- 86 Min followed by a discussion (starts at 2pm)

Aimless

2006-07-04T16:04:00.000+03:00

I would not describe myself as highly ambitious. In fact just the opposite, i am yet to articulate clearly what my goals are. For instance i have a savings account but what i'm i saving towards? I couldn't say. And part of it obviously is for a rainy day but what is the other part for? I really couldn't say, i'm doing it just because it's what all adults are supposed to do.

Take my job for instance. I know if i had only played my cards a certain way it is possible to have been very far up the professional scale. But i haven't really done that. Why? Because it just doesn't interest me long enough. Of course i do at times get attacked by pangs of jealousy when i hear what friends or family have achieved. But it either passes or i find myself on some crazy bandwagon to do what they are doing (which is their dream not mine...)at least for a while before dropping off into the slow lane.

I couldn't say what my own personal goals are because it's clear there are none. Is this weird especially considering my father is very goal oriented and achieves a lot? Whereas my mother just sets out to do soemthing and asks for directions as she goes along, not setting herself any milestones to achieve, but somehow achieving alot. Maybe i'm like her.

I just want to find my own dream. I feel that if it was possible to define my own dream then i would operate on my own terms; push for the dream and fight for this dream with greater confidence than i currently feel.

How can you love anyone else when you don't have a dream of your own?

Walk the talk

Walk and talk

A Sunday post

2006-06-25T13:32:00.000+03:00

i woke up and thought, how did i get here? How did i get to be a woman old enough to live on her own? Who let me leave my parents house? how did i get into this bed? this house? who bought that lovely painting? the lovely duvet? Is it really me? Am i really a card carrying member of the adult club?

Do you ever have the feeling that your life and all that has happened to you has been a dream? And this is for both the great and not so great things you have experienced. For example, i'm i the same person who allowed people to walk all over me while also being clever enough to open up my heart to pursue friendships which have turned out to be so wonderful? how is it possible that i'm good at some things and stink so badly at others? How is it that all these bits and parts have found a home in my body and left their prints on my soul?

Really when did all this happen? when did this coming together of the different bits and parts happen? Where was i when it was all happening? Because come to think of it, this morning lying in bed it felt like someone else had been residing in my body and i was only now coming round.

When did i start liking all this soft rock music? the sounds of Yossou N'Dour, Ani Di Franco etc? when did i discover my musical taste? defining it as 'my' taste? When did i start reading only certain book genres? how have i managed to read my way through some of this stuff? How did i get this sense of style, or of wearing my hair the way it is and the list goes on and on and on.

Where have I being when all this LIFE was BEING lived? Can i say with certainty that i have been fully conscious? Or at least 50% of the time? Is this how you wake up and look into the face of a 60 year old woman and wonder where the years went by?

I can't say if this realization (is that what it is? haven't i always known...)has anything to do with the current state of my life or is just a way to resolve the feeling i've been having of being lost, with no real direction or purpose and my desire to find my way back on to the path (whatever it was) i was trying to beat out for myself. . . Whatever it is, i can say that perhaps there is greater consciousness today in my life than yesterday or the day before that.

What i can't shake though, is that feeling of wonder at some of the things that have happened in the intervening years. . .today at least i think of the good things and fortune i have had and realize too that those things have come about when i have been engaged; conscious to them; when i have decided to pursue them; when i have also let them run their course. . .the good stuff just then followed...

Wisemen, james blunt, back to bedlam

Cure for 'woe is me' syndrome

2006-06-21T12:35:00.000+03:00

So i was feeling very sorry for myself early this week. Well, the load of work on my desk put paid to that ...albeit briefly, then it was back to the, 'woe is me' saga.

Then as i left the office i saw some women with cartons around which they wrap sisal rope and carry on their backs. The cartons are full of veggies and fruit. These women walk around neighbourhoods mainly in Westlands, Parklands, Asian areas mainly bringing these wares to the inhabitants of these upper class neighbourhoods. As a child i recall one woman in particular who came round our house (it hadn't been converted into an upper class area by then) and she had all these earthy smelling carrots, tomatoes, sukuma wiki and even amidst all that crush of stuff she would pull out very fresh looking dhania (coriander). I didn't think she was poor then. I did not have much reference point for what constituted poor or counted as poverty.

This time as i left my office and saw these women - i couldn't help but wonder what their story was. Do they have children? partners? Do their children know how far their mama's have to walk to make Ksh. 70? I still don't think they are poor, because at least they are selling this fruit and veggies. But that's also because i don't know their stories - perhaps if i saw or heard how far they stretched the Ksh. 70 plus they make i would say different.

As i watched these women walk by, i thought how as much as we try to put positive spins on the plight of poor people it can border on the absurd! Saying things like, 'they have hope', 'they continue to hope'....But I think to myself what hope? Would i remain hopeful faced with such inequalities?

In Kenya, this veggie/fruit walk-by your house vendor has hope? Maybe hope to at least own a small house of her own. But how can there be hope when your earnings for one day are equivalent to like 0.0001% of what it costs to put up just the perimeter wall outside the customers' houses? What hope do you have of ever, ever getting anywhere close to that?

You need a huge helping hand to get even close to that - a mixture of everything from Aid; Government assistance; social welfare like interventions; political and moral willingness to confront individual roles in perpetuating situations of poverty in their own or other countries and the list could go on and on.

And even then, I regret to inform you that only your great grandchildren will get close to or have the life your main customers enjoy.

Oh and back to my earlier thoughts, i was feeling sorry for myself. I stopped. . .i know it is likely to return but in the meantime i'm just not going to feel sorry for myself. Why? I have more chances and opportunities than most and it just is crass to wallow in 'woe is me' situations for longer than an hour...i have few or no reasons for not being hopeful. . .

Overhead recently . . .
Parents are spending anywhere between 10,000 and 20,000 dollars to make their child grow 2-4" taller! Yes it is so ridiculous . . .so you go from 5 2" to 5 4" - you are still short! And unless you intend for your child to go into a profession in which there's a heigh requirement....come on, spend that money on something else surely. According to this CNN Show, Insight once the US FDA approved the drugs, prescriptions have shot up i think by like 100%!!!
Nuts! What next?

yada yada

2006-06-19T17:24:00.000+03:00

i keep revisiting the same things over and over

many of the conversations going on in my head are arguments

many mornings i feel like i only just got into bed

and the next night i plan to get in bed early

but one night cap later

one whole TV show later

one whole chapter of a book later

it is suddenly morning too soon

just like yesterday.

**********************************
i read about a sister
the paper said he was a suspect
in her death

i then heard about the sister
and how she tried to leave
and the effect of violence on boys
the effect on girls
then i read today
he died
where's the justice?
who will we charge with her murder?
************************************

It's no use complaining
if you'll not do your bit
to be the change you wish to see
it's no use being hurt
when they question your abilities
when you don't take the opportunities.

it really is no use
to you
to me
to anyone really

***************************************
And finally,
the big question of the day.
Can i really lose 6 kgs?
Can i ?
do i need to?
will it kill me to accomodate the slight heaviness?
really, will it?
*****************************************
The conclusion of almost 12 hours infront of this darn screen....

Are you 'active'?

2006-06-13T14:33:00.000+03:00

that's what my male gynaecologist asked me recently. Of course i said, 'yes, i go try to exercise regularly.' Then he gave me a kind of weird look. Later as he examined me and he kept asking me other questions and then it came out that what he meant was, 'have i ever been in a sexual relationship!' Now why didn't the bugger just come right out and ask me that in the first place? I mean he was acting all coy as though he were speaking to some person he was having a non-patient/doctor relationship!

That was on one visit.

On a recent visit, he told me to, 'relax, yeast infections are not life threatening!' Excuse me?! If they are not life threatening or if you think they are not 'serious' enough problems to bother you with, then why don't you just prescribe some over the counter stuff and save me the consultation fee I have to keep paying you every time i come? If they are so 'simple' then why haven't you figured out how to stop them recurring?

That was my last visit!

The decision has been finally arrived at. No more male gynaecologists! I want to go to a woman gynae who understands how a pesky recurring yeast infection can be as debillitating to a woman as painful period pains etc. Another thing i have decided, is i want a doctor who treats me as a partner in the healing process and not just a student behind the desk and he the willing teacher! This guy i noticed was very uncomfortable when i asked, 'what if this treatment does not work this time....? Then he's like, 'don't be so negative..., WT%$&*'? Don't be negative!?% Nuts, i tell you! He is nuts!!! I have to think about it, for heaven's sake, i'm the one suffering...it is time consuming to keep visiting the doctor, expensive and emotionally draining. Yes yeast infections can be draining!!!!

I want a doctor who asks questions in a straightforward manner! All this 'shyness' around sex, sexuality etc. is maddening! Dammit! just spit it out....your a gynae for heaven's sake!!!

Suffice to say that was my last visit, and the last time some stupid, ignoramus of a male gynaecologist sticks his hand up my insides!

Get Active for Equality!

2006-06-06T12:39:00.000+03:00

NAIROBI +21 INITIATIVE. . .
. . .a series of activities that seeks to mark the 21st anniversary of the 3rd UN World Women's Conference, which was hosted by the Government of Kenya and held in Nairobi in 1985. Over 20,000 women from around the world came to Nairobi to participate in the conference. The purpose of marking the 21st anniversary of the conference will be to celebrate the various victories that have been won since then and to reflect on the challenges that remain.

The National Commission on Gender and Development as the lead agency, in collaboration with FEMNET (African Women's Development and Communication Network) and Heinrich Boll Foundation (Regional Office in East and Horn of Africa office)have short listed various activities intended to build up to a mega conference scheduled for 28th July 2006 to be held at the KICC. This conference event is meant to coincide with the actual dates of the 1985 conference, bringing together, women luminaries, women’s organizations and the general public in a three tiered structure assessing what Nairobi was, what it achieved and what challenges prevail with regards to women’s empowerment.

The other objective of this commemoration is to create an inter-generational linkage between those that were in the 1985 Conference, and those that joined the Movement after in order to promote sustainable consciousness for gender equality.

HBFA will be hosting a series of special Gender Fora in the next few months. These are normally open to the public. For more information contact nairobi@hbfha.com on the date of the next Forum.

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Gender equality=Economic growth

2006-06-06T09:27:00.000+03:00

http://allafrica.com/stories/200605301354.html The World Bank Country Policy and Institutional Assessment (CPIA) report which shows that Kenya's gender policy is hampering economic development.

duh! how long have we been saying this???? huh?

Basically the highlights of the article:

"Kenya's economy grew by 5.8 per cent, which is the highest in a decade but the report assessment says if the Government had dealt with the gender issue, growth rate could have been 7.8 per cent," said Bruce. (WB Country Director in Kenya)

The report says eliminating gender-based inequalities in education and access to agricultural inputs could result in a one off GDP increase of 4.3 per cent followed by a sustained year-on-year increase of 2 to 3.5 per cent.

Key findings of the Gender report show that women contribution more to agro and informal sector-based businesses and are poor time keepers due to the dual roles they play in household and labour-based economies and also work for 12.9 hours, while men dominate the formal sector, and work for 8.2 hours.

But it takes the WB to say it, for it to receive any press coverage and Government to listen. Of course having such stats. helps. Unfortunately how many donors want to fund women's organizations and CSOs to do this type of research? How many of us Kenyan networks and CSOs are actually engaging in this type of work? And yes statistics do play a helpful role in our advocacy. We need more information generated by our own Kenyan and African women's networks.

So it is left to large multilaterals agencies like WB and the UN to collect these statistics. The irony is that the WB itself and many donors to the government of Kenya are unwilling to place gender equality as a conditionality of aid! Yet they will spend money collecting and documenting the effect of gender inequality on economic growth! Ironic! Or possibly just that even in the WB patriarchy is alive and kicking and worse, tokenism toward the achievement of gender equality and a lack of understanding of how to achieve gender equality.

Unstoppable idiocy!

2006-06-05T14:03:00.000+03:00

the other day at a meeting in my shags, this man came and asked me if a poster i'd put up was for real. The poster basically urges women to think twice before becoming any man's doormat through marriage. So i told him, of course it was based on real experiences documented by this orgnaization.

He gave me this look of, 'you crazy'! 'you too young to be this crazy!' And i gave him a look of, 'don't even dare speak another word about that poster otherwise i will slap that smirk right off your face...infront of all these people!' Needless to say he just mumbled and walked off to grab some tea (prepared by women!).

This same guy had the nerve to start saying how 'men' have been put in charge of everything in the universe by God. Forget the fact that throughout the session we kept discussing how we must ensure our language, attitudes etc. are inclusive especially of younger women. This idiot, just kept going. . .an unstoppable train of patriarchy.

Aish!

Reinvention as revolution

2006-06-05T13:27:00.000+03:00

i deleted my old home. It wasn't comfortable anymore. everything about the design, what it said about me was no longer comforting.

so now this is my new home, i'm not sure for how long.

i notice that my life is a lot about reinvention around anniversaries and milestones. Around particular milestones i seem to just become unhinged for a period of 24 hours, during which anything is possible. Not always pleasant.

i hope to be more true to who i am in this new home. more than i have been lately.

One need not travel far to find or start a revolution - reinventing oneself is revolution enough. Most importantly, it is a revolution you have almost 100% control over - only you have the deciding vote. Nobody else!